A Collection of Regular Moments for Irregular Folks, Volume I
by WoodWatch
Summary: Mordecai takes to the skies, HFG terrorizes innocent bystanders, the gang teams up to stop a corrupt mayor, and much more! Each chapter is a oneshot that features Regular Show characters. May contain drug use, mild violence, profanity, and mild adult situations. Chapter 1 is always the newest entry (See A/N). Up now: Mordecai and Rigby cook a meal to die for.
1. M&R's Culinary Adventures

**Mordecai and Rigby's Culinary Adventures**

**Rated T** **- Language, Mild Violence, False Advertising.**

"I gotta hand it to you guys, you really pulled this off," Benson said, "I can't believe how many people showed up." Benson said.

"Yeeeaah we did!"

"This chili's gonna rock!"

"Hm. hm." The blue jay crossed his arms, "So maybe you underestimated our potential, Benson?"

"Yeah! Underestimated like a chump!" Rigby's puffy white chef's hat slid down over his head when he pointed.

"What can I say?" Benson stuffed down the bulging donations bin lid. "You keep this up, and maybe we'll talk raises."

"WHOOAAAHHHH!" They yelled "Gonna get a raise! Gonna get a raise! _What pays?_ Chili pays! _What pays?_ Chili pays!"

"Haha, alright you two, we'll talk business later. There's a huge crowd out there, let's get cooking."

"But Bensooon," Mordecai whined "The pots have to simmer for thirty more minuuuuutes."

"Yeah, we wanted to go mingle. Mingle with the _ladies_." Rigby added.

"Pfft, like you know anything about the ladies."

"I know _everything_ about the ladies!"

"Oh yeah? How many girlfriends have you had?"

"Stop talking!"

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to trust you guys with this." Benson walked to the entrance of the cantina tent, "If you think you have time."

"We got this Benson!" Mordecai assured as they dashed out

The crowd erupted when they walked on the stage. It's about time, Mordecai thought. See, he and Rigby, they were capable of so much more than Benson gave them credit. They definitely weren't idiots. Idiots don't stand on a stage with hundreds of people cheering for their culinary expertise. There sure are a lot of wolves though... Mordecai shrugged and hopped off the stage. Wolves must like chili.

Rigby dashed onto the stage right after. "Who's ready for some chili?!" He yelled before jumping into the crowd. Several onlookers caught him, and he surfed out of sight.

Mordecai rolled his eyes and continued on. The first table cheered as he passed. "Look at _him_!" came from another table. Three female alligators whispered loudly, "Is it him? I think it is!" Mordecai waived bashfully as he passed, grinning from the attention.

"You folks hungry?" He walked up to a human couple seated nearby. They were middle-aged, and between their unseasonal clothes and the brochures sticking out of the woman's purse, he figured they were tourists from out east. Probably on their first vacation in years.

"How exotic!" She fanned her face, "I... I don't even know what to say!"

"We're visiting from Maine" The man straightened the sweater tied over his polo "Susan and I finally sent the kids off to college, and we're -"

"- just trying new things!" The woman pointed at her _Culinary Adventures_-branded fanny pack. It was actually quite a stroke of luck that the tour group happened through town this weekend, brought in at least another forty guests to the dinner. "When Adam first showed me the flyer I thought he had to be joking, but then I thought 'What the heck, you only live once.' "

Mordecai cringed, he hated when couples finished each other's sentences. Still, they seemed nice enough, if not a bit dull - this wasn't the most adventurous of attractions. At any rate, they were better than the hooting and hollering from some of the other guests.

"What did I tell you Karen?" Her husband motioned to Mordecai, elbowing him on the side, "I told her, I said with all the marketing schemes these days, it was bound to happen. I told you, didn't I Karen?"

"Yes Frank, you told me."

"Well... chili's been around for a while..." Mordecai shook the man's hand, "But there's no chili like this chili!"

"Right you are!" She clapped, then covered her mouth "Oh! Do you - Gosh I'm so embarrassed to ask - do you think we could get a picture?"

"Uh Sure. Haha, sure it'd be my pleasure" He leaned in between them, giving a thumbs-up as Karen snapped a multiple photos with her phone. Kind of odd what Frank did with his fork though. Probably just weird tourist stuff.

"Wait till Stu and Sandy hear about _this!"_ Karen said as Mordecai walked away.

He was greeted with more waves, more snapping photos, more conversation as he moved through the crowd. Maybe this was it, maybe he'd finally found his niche. The moment he had slipped on his black chef's coat and hat, he knew this was his calling. Sure, this was just a charity dinner at the Park, but every big celebrity has their start. And if there was anything he'd learned in art school, it was that you get famous through a delicate mix of talent, personality and bullshit. Images of television deals and late night interviews danced in his head. By the time he'd reached the table of wolves, he was feeling downright cocky.

"Look at this one." One of them pinched his waist, "_Someone's_ been hitting the gym. I call the thighs!"

"Thanks ma'am, heh, I mostly just run. I'm Mordecai."

"What a lovely name. I'm Gloria, this is my husband Herald, and Uncle Jed, Robby, and Bobby." She pointed around the table. "So Mordecai, I have to ask, what got you interested in all this?"

"I would say it was my love for my community," At least he had the bullshit part down. With a smug grin and a quick tug on his coat, he continued, "When I saw the park struggling, I thought, where do _I_ fit in? What can _I_ do to help? So I talked to my boss, and we decided on an event that really gives back to those who make it all possible."

"How thoughtful, and I have to say it's about time." Gloria pinched him again, "Hunting can be such a hassle with pups, it's so nice to have a night off."

Boundary issues aside, she reminded him of his own mom - outgoing, family-oriented, and probably a bit insane. The hunting part bugged him, seemed pretty barbaric with all the supermarkets around, but he figured buying enough meat for a family of wolves could get expensive pretty quick. He was just happy to help.

Uncle Jed poked his nephew, "Hey junior, you see this? This why you stay in school." He laughed at Mordecai, "Talk about a tough boss, huh?"

"Well I don't know about that, I did go to art school..."

"No matter now," Gloria said with another pinch, ""I thought the flyers were very neat though. You had a lot of talent."

"Thanks, I was going for contemporary kitsch. I hope they weren't too flashy." Actually it was Skips who made the flyers, Mordecai just drew a few pictures.

"Flashy! He's worried the posters are too flashy!"

"Leave the poor boy alone, Herald, he's nervous" She said "Oh but look at the time, I think _someone's_ needed in the kitchen. It was such a pleasure meeting you, Mordecai."

"Yes ma'am!" Mordecai chirped. It _was_ getting pretty late, he should probably find Rigby before Benson had a fit. "Enjoy your meal."

Finding the raccoon wasn't all that hard, he just had to follow the sound of an overinflated ego. Across the stage, Rigby sat in a young woman's lap, being pet by the group as they giggled. Judging by their matching shirts, they were part of the same tour group as Karen and Frank. "Ooo!" They cooed when he said something inaudible. Mordecai was taken aback. These were ladies. _Fine_ ladies. And Rigby wasn't being slapped? Not just that, but if he were any closer to this girl they'd need a room. Maybe there's hope for even the most desperate of souls afterall.

Rigby saw the blue jay walking up and hopped off his perch. Shooting finger pistols at the girls, he backed away with the assurance that he'd see them again _real_ soon.

"Dude! This_ rocks_!" Rigby said.

"No dude, _we_ rock!"

"OOOOOHH! Yeeeeaaah we do!"

"There's a few creepers out there though."

"Meh, I had some too. They're not creepers, chili's just a hobby for some people. Like stamp collecting or ham radios, ya know?"

"That makes sense." Rigby nodded and disappeared in his hat again. He peeked out from under the rim and added, "Or Benson's cornbread thing. _I'm Benson and I'm the saddest person on earth, anyone want some nasty dry cornbread?"_

"Hahaha, yeah. _You idiots don't even know kernal theory."_ Mordecai mocked "_See, there are actually three schools of thought."_

"Ahahahaha! Dude, it's a crowd of Bensons." Rigby's eyes grew wider, "Bensons as far as the eye can see."

"Heh, I dunno... they're not that bad. This is just what it's like to have fans. I even signed a couple autographs. Heh."

"Hey me too! Weird, huh?"

"Heh yeah." Mordecai looked over the crowd. A family of crocodiles gnawed on their table, ripping the cloth to shreds; one of the younger ones licked its lips when it glared over at him. Farther back, the tourists were still snapping pictures with other guests. The girls who were so enamored with Rigby covered their faces and giggled when Mordecai looked over to them.

"Heheh."

"Heh."

A flier for the event landed at Rigby's feet. He started to crumple it up, but froze suddenly.

"Hey bro?" He flattened out the paper and handed it up

"What's up dude?" Mordecai grabbed it.

"Skips made these fliers, didn't he?"

"Yes."

"And they want to eat us don't they?"

"Yes."

"Benson!"

The gumball machine was counting donations in the tent when the two burst in. He pulled off his clear green visor and brushed the calculator aside, "Hey hey, there's my _star employees_."

"Okay. Benson." Mordecai said, "Now don't get upset - and I can't stress that enough - but there was small misprint on the fliers and -"

"-and we think they want to eat us." Rigby spouted as he shoved a flier in Benson's face.

"They totally want to eat us."

Benson glanced over the paper, then back at them, "What are you guys talking about? This looks fine to me." He handed it back to Rigby and waived them off, "Look, if you guys are slacking off-"

"No _you_ look, Benson!" Rigby shoved it back, "_Come Eat The Chefs"_

"So Skips needs to proofread, big deal. I'm sure everyone knows that was a misprint. You two better not be trying to get out of work-"

"No dude." Mordecai said, "You weren't out there. I'm telling you, everyone was being all weird."

"Stop it. Stop ruining things."

"Dude. Look around. Carnivores? Tourists?" Mordecai shuddered,_ "Empty-nesters?"_

"You guys are just being paranoid."

"You're just being _astute!" _Rigby squealed.

"Do you even know what that means?" Mordecai crossed his wings at the raccoon.

"Pfft. Whatever it means, Benson's totally it."

"Look, I don't have time for this. If you morons want to look like idiots in front of hundreds of people," Benson motioned to the door, "then let's just go ask them."

"Fine. _Let's go._" The blue jay squinted defiantly.

" . Yeah let's go see you be wrong, Benson!" Rigby said before trotting out to the stage.

The earlier enthusiasm was gone now; the scattered courtesy claps were all but drowned out by a low grumbling from the crowd. Some of the of guests looked confused while others were outright annoyed. Benson scowled back at Mordecai and Rigby.

"Hey what gives?! It's been three hours!"

"Yeah let's get a move on!"

"Everyone, everyone please." Benson said, " We apologize for the delay and we're going to start serving very soon. We just wanted to confirm that the fliers were meant to say 'Come eat _with_ the chefs.' " He rolled his eyes and pointed back to Mordecai and Rigby, "Some concerns were raised."

"Wait what?" Someone broke the silence that followed.

"But the flyer says _'Come eat the chefs' "_

"_Obviously _that was an error." Benson replied with a nervous chuckle, "We wouldn't actually cookour employees, that would be a huge OSHA violation."

"That's not what the_ flyer says." _The woman said. Mordecai recognized her voice now, it was Karen, the tourist he'd talked to earlier. Her peppy attitude was gone. "Sure we thought it was awfully... colorful, but we're from Maine and-"

"We don't eat people! Nobody eats people!" Benson yelled then turned back to the crowd, "That doesn't even make sense. If we did that, who would make the chili?"

"Other chefs?" Someone suggested

"No, 'cause then they'd be in the chili too." Another said

"Oh right. Uh..."

"Wait, I got it." An alligator stood up, "What if they stood in the pot and the tall one reached out, turned on the burner, then pulled the lid shut?"

"Yeah that could work."

"Great idea!"

"Makes sense to me."

"So are we good now?"

"You guys should run." Benson looked back, but they were already dashing out the back of the cantina tent.

"Grab them!", "Don't let'em get away!" The crowd took chase. Following through the cantina tent, several took up knives and cleavers while others fetched stock pots. One enterprising young wolf even grabbed a creme brulee torch.

With the angry mob in tow, the duo sprinted across the park. Pops giggled and waved as they darted through his butterfly garden. Slipping through a row of hedges, they rounded the fountain and turned the park entrance. For a moment Mordecai had hoped they'd lost the mob in the hedge garden. Slowing, he looked back, then yelped when dozens of hands burst through the shrubbery. Up ahead, Skips was stapling the last of the flyers.

"That's the last of 'em, guys. How's the cookout go-" He waved as they passed.

"Eff you Skips!" Rigby flipped off the yeti.

"Yeah this is all you dude!" Mordecai panted as he ran by.

Up ahead, the city buzzed with life. Bystanders stopped, curious at the scene unfolding, and a few even joined the horde as it passed. Dashing into traffic, Mordecai and Rigby hurdled a car then slipped down the nearest alley. A brick wall blocked their path.

"Do-" Rigby panted, "Do you think we lost them?"

Before Mordecai could answer, a terrible howl erupted from the street. Meat cleaver in hand, a woman in tattered clothes and branches in her hair raced towards them. Karen.

"I don't think we lost them."

Rigby darted to the wall, pulling himself up a pipe and onto the fire escape above. When Mordecai tried to follow, the pipe snapped. He caught a narrow ledge right as it broke, dangling just feet from safety.

"New things! We're trying new things!" Karen shrieked. Her mouth foamed and her chin bled from a scrape on one side. She sliced at his legs with her cleaver, but he was able to swing back against the wall and kick her in the face. Finding leverage against the wall, he kicked her once, then twice, then a third time, crushing her nose and ripping her cheeks with his claws. With the last kick she fell to the ground.

"Mordecai! Up here!" Rigby reached down from above. Mordecai was able to hoist himself close enough to grab the raccoon's paw, but a gust of wind blew his hat off. He looked for it in the crowd.

"Forget the hat!"

"I can't dude! It's just too elegant!"

"Aw what? You said _white_ was fancier." Rigby scowled, "You said I should wear the white coat 'cause it was my recipe!"

"Sorry dude! Black's totally better!" Mordecai yelled back as he dropped back into the crowd.

"Mordecai! Mordecaaaaii!"

Down below, Mordecai rolled off a limp Karen. The hat was just a few feet away, but he was surrounded. He gulped, backing against the wall as they descended upon him. Two humans grabbed him by the wings before he kicked them back; another stabbed the air near his neck, but he ducked at the last second.

"Hold him down!"

"Pluck him!"

"You people are crazy!" He cried.

"No, consumer fraud is crazy! It has devastating effects on modern society!"

"Yeah! Especially with the rise of electronic communication in an increasingly globalized economy!"

"We can give you a refund!" Mordecai shrieked, covering his head. This is it, this is how he'd go, as a meal for creepy middle-class tourists. What would Rigby do without him? Would it hurt? Why didn't he ever tell Margaret how he felt? Memories from his life flashed before his eyes - Christmas morning in the airport terminal; that time Rigby got his head stuck in a chair; his first kiss, in some dingy bowling alley of course; spending a night in jail; painting with Pops.

"R-really?"

"Yes! Yes! Just take it!" The blue jay cried from his fetal position.

"O-okay."

"Yeah, that's fine with me."

"I'm actually a vegetarian, it's just the principle of the matter." The closest person said. Murmurs of "Definitely," "Same here," and "Wait, did we even pay for this?" echoed through the crowd. Satisfied, the horde headed back to the park shaking hands and patting backs, leaving Mordecai panting in the dust. Was that it? His eyes darted back and forth in disbelief. All of that for an effing refund?

Picked up by a heavy gust, his black cap landed near his feet. He slipped it on and laid back against the wall. A warm breeze, the sound of passing cars, pedestrians walking out of shops - His heart was still racing and the shock hadn't eased, but he loved everything around him at that moment.

"Dude!" Rigby yelled as he flopped down from the roof. "Dude are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good dude. I'm good."

"Benson's gonna flip when all those people demand a refund."

"Whatever dude, Benson can eat me."

**If you've previously read CRMIF, you may notice that the chapter order has changed. Because these are separate short stories and because they have no chronological order, ****the first chapter will always be the newest entry****, the last chapter will always be the oldest entry. I'm a bad writer, and that's okay, but I do work to improve. This puts my (hopefully) best work forward while saving you from browsing through old entries that you may have already read. **

**Up next: HFG goes on a rampage. **


	2. An Awkward Lesson About Locks

**An Awkward Lesson about Locks and Boundaries**

**Rated: M-ish**

**Adult situations, Mild Language**

"Hey dude…"

Mordecai didn't reply.

Rigby flipped on the lights and walked over. He stood hoping Mordecai would have something to say, but the bird just sat in the garage on the idling golf cart "So, uh… you do know this isn't gonna do anything?"

Still nothing.

"Cause the cart is electric." Rigby pointed over his shoulder "And the window's open."

Mordecai took a swig of from his red bottle, then coughed.

"And that's just margarita mix." Rigby climbed up on the rear-facing seat and sighed. "So… was it really _that _bad?"

"It was really that bad." Mordecai belched, then took another drink.

Dude's gotta have his dude time - that's what Rigby figured when he saw the tie around their doorknob. Could'a just been listening to music; could'a just been strumming on the guitar; could'a been strumming something else. Wasn't any of his business, the tie was on the doorknob and he'd rather not think any more into it. It was their little system, and it worked. Until Margaret stopped by.

"Did she knock?" Rigby asked.

"Nope. Just barged in." Mordecai didn't turn around to talk to Rigby. "Uuuuuugh, why didn't I just lock the door?"

"Pfft, should'a told her to stay," Rigby cupped his hands around his muzzle, " '_Oh hey baby, like what you see?' Whatever, it's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean"_

_"_Remind me to punch you later, dude" Mordecai grabbed his stomach and almost gagged "I'm gonna barf"

"Calm down bro. Knock or shock - it's totally her fault."

"It doesn't matter, she won't ever talk to me again." He laid his head on the steering wheel "Where am I gonna get coffee now?"

Rigby was in the living room with his head buried in an old paper bag when it all went down. The start screen of Snail Warriors: Revenge of the Leopard Slug flashed on the TV. He'd have at least an hour to burn; Mordecai always took his time doing whatever it was he did. No biggie, just meant Rigby would have these delicious trash-donuts all to himself. What chump throws away perfectly good pastries? He didn't even hear her walk by.

"Ya know the worst part? The magazine." Mordecai turned his head a bit, "_April._"

"Oohohaha!" Rigby laughed aloud "The cardinal in the raincoat? Nasty Nastia?"

"With her rugged crew of seamen," Mordecai buried his face in his wings, "I threw it at Margaret. I don't know why. I was startled and I just wanted to get it as far away from me as possible."

"Hahahaha, dude stop, you're _killing_ me." Rigby rolled in his seat laughing, "Ha okay dude own up… was there anything_ weird_? Please tell me there a dress. Were you at least choking yourself with a belt or -?"

He didn't hear her and Pops talking in the hallway either. All Rigby heard was a shriek, the slam of a door, and Margaret rushing down the stairs. Situation normal as far as he was concerned; those two were weird and all he cared about was guarding his donuts. Even threw a low growl her way as she passed. He still remembered that one time at the state fair when she took a piece of his glazed pretzel… without even asking! That bitch. Mordecai shambled out to the garage a long while later.

"-_No_ there wasn't anything _weird_." Mordecai snapped, "If you're just going to laugh at me then go away."

"Dude, it's pretty funny."

"It's not funny! My life is over."

"It's hilarious." Rigby insisted. He did feel bad for his bro, but he also knew that if the roles were reversed Mordecai would be laughing his ass off right now. You can't _not _laugh at that. But still… "Hey Mordecai?"

"What?"

"That sucks dude. Total lame sauce."

"Yeah tell me about it. Lame sauce on suck spaghetti"

Rigby jumped gleefully. "With a shit salad!"

"Heh, and a side of awkward… uh, asparagus?" Mordecai chuckled "Or I don't know, something like that."

They sat quietly, which was fine for them both. Rigby didn't want to pry and Mordecai was content to sulk a while longer. Wind with soft rain blew against the garage doors, kicking up dust near the corners. A spider rappelled from the ceiling onto a nearby workbench. It was peaceful.

Eventually Rigby spoke up, "So you wanna come in out of the garage?"

"No, not yet dude. I just want to be alone for a while."

"Aw sick dude, not on the cart!" Rigby snickered and barely dodged a punch - He was getting better even if Mordecai hadn't tried all that hard.

"I just want to think." Mordecai couldn't hide his amusement.

"Alright dude, you do your thing." With that, Rigby left the blue jay to his thoughts. He imagined Mordecai wouldn't be down to hang for the rest of the night, but that was fine. There were still donuts to be eaten and bosses to be slain. Maybe he'd even get past the first level! Then _he'd_ finally get to be the Snail Champion - not just some stupid Player 2 Slug Lord.

Rigby plopped back on the couch and hit 'start' on the controller. While the intro played, he snatched out a pastry - still as sweet as ever, their gooey sugary goodness sticking to his paws. They only get better with age. Mordecai sure was missing out on some awesome donut action, and for a moment he considered setting one aside for his bro. But, then he'd be less one donut. Mordecai. Donut. Mordecai. Donut. Before he could decide, there was a knock at the door.

"Ugh!" Rigby muttered and flopped off the couch. Better not be those creepy cult guys again - you go to one meeting for the free gelato and they never leave you alone.

But it wasn't any pimple-y Nyarlathotep freaks at the door; just a rain-drenched Robin standing on the porch "Hey Rigby… is Mordecai around?"

"Uh yeah sure, come on in" He motioned to the garage door, "He's out in the garage being lame. Down the hallway, second door on the left"

"Thanks, I feel _awful. _Is he okay?" Margaret asked as she passed, but not before stopping by the table to grab the donut. "Hope you don't mind, it's been a long day." She took a bite, then disappeared around the corner, leaving Rigby frozen in disbelief.

"_I hate you so much._" He whispered, but she was already gone.

**Up next is a story with actual action and plot. And then a Benson one. So that'll be fun.**

**Thanks to Brosef Chillaxton for your reviews! They're very much appreciated!**


	3. Clerical Errors - or - M&R Go to Hell

**Clerical Errors**

**or**

**Moredcai and Rigby Go To Hell**

**Rated T: Moderate Violence, Mild Language, Supernatural STDs**

"Obviously there has been a very serious mistake." Death swiveled nervously in his chair. Behind him, two skeletons flipped a sign to read 'Days Since Last Accident: 0.' "But look on the bright side, you both had a good reason to take the day off. I know how hard you work at your job -bet it was great to get away from Old Slave-Driver Benson, huh?"

The two just stared forward, their brows locked in contempt. Patches of Rigby's fur were still smoldering; sulfur and ash floated in the air. Mordecai hadn't faired much better - whole swaths of feathers had burned away, leaving patches of charred, red skin. At least Rigby didn't go in the pit; the bird shuddered at the thought.

"Heh, and I want you to know that we take these matters very seriously. We would like to offer you both our sincerest apologies and a gift basket for your troubles."

"A gift basket." Ashes billowed from Rigby's fur when he spoke.

"Oh they're really very nice. They have coupons for local shops - I know you much you two like grilled cheese - there's assorted dried fruits, and hey!" Death pulled out a cotton sleeve, "Free T-shirts! I'm sure that'll get the ladies," His voice changed to a falsetto "_Mordecai and Rigby! Those are the hottest T-shirts ever! Oh please have your way with us fine ladies!_" Death cleared his throat, "Or whatever. Look, I just want you both to know that we intend to make this right."

"Make this right?" Mordecai stood up, "Make this right?! You threw us into a lake of lava! Do you know how that feels? It F-ing hurts!"

"Yeah, well, it wouldn't be a "smoldering pit of indescribable torture' if it was all ice cream and silk boxers, amirite?" Death was the only one to laugh. "But really, we're very sorry for the mixup. You should at least take a look at the t-shirts, they're really pretty cool. We have your sizes - Small for you, Youth Medium for Rigby."

Rigby crossed his arms and turned up his nose, "Hmpf. I'm _at least_ a Youth Large."

"Ya know what, why not? We'll throw one of those in too. It'll just shrink in the drier anyways." Death made another shirt appear at a snap of his fingers.

"It won't need to shrink because it's going to fit because I'm not a Youth Medium!" Rigby squealed as he pulled on one of the shirts. He looked over himself, then settled on a cocky smirk; omelet hats were cool, but that had nothing on this.

"How did this even happen?" Mordecai continued "You know us! We were in a hotdog eating contest; we babysat your evil kid thing!"

"Do you know how many Mordecai and Rigby's I've met? Heck, I have a Mordechai and Riggers that mow my lawn every other Tuesday. Get over yourselves guys, mistakes were made. Mordecai-and-Rigby-the-idiot-minimum-wage-slackers were confused with Mordecai-and-Rigby-the-corrupt-executives-of-a-pet -health-insurance-fund-in-Columbus-Ohio." He tempered his tone and leaned forward over the desk "But in our defense, those guys are going to get what they deserve. They swindled money out of innocent, cancerous puppies." Death shook his head in sorrow "Those poor, poor tumor-ridden puppies."

"Look, I don't care about sick puppies! -"

"-Well maybe you belonged in that lava after all" He pointed a bony finger at Mordecai.

"Yeah, not cool dude" Rigby spouted, half-buried in the basket.

Mordecai sighed and composed himself, "I don't want gift baskets or coupons or shirts. You know what I want? I want my eye back. I want to not remember today. I want to go home." He started pacing, "Oh and by the way? The 'Pit of Super-Herpes'? I mean, what is_ that_?" Mordecai threw his wings in the air, ripping loose a bandage.

"I will be the first to admit that wasn't cool." Death explained with folded hands, then motioned one of the skeletons to aid the bird, "But we have that covered," He reached back into one of the gift baskets and pulled out a small tube of ointment, "Reduces cold sore duration and intensity AND provides SPF30 protection. I, uh, I imagine it's approved for other uses too."

"Chapstick?! I don't want chapstick! I want to be cured?" Mordecai slouched, his face turning from anger to desperation. The skeleton tried to line up the wound, to hold it in place long enough to tape, but Mordecai kept pacing in frustration. At one point, he almost succeeded, but Mordecai jerked to one side and tore free a flap of skin "Ah Sh-! Oww!"

"Ronaldo, pick that up. No flip it over. I said flip it over, you want the slimy side pointing in." Death pointed to his skeleton worker, "Now turn it so it lines up."

Ronaldo uttered a gravely moan.

"Yes I know you're not a doctor. Just turn it a bit and tape it. No the other way. Actually, you know what? Screw it, just slap it on there where ever." Death rolled his eyes at Mordecai "Help these days."

"Whooooooaa, are these tickets to Monster Truck Roller Derby Explosion 5000?" Rigby squealed with his face still sank in the gift basket. "Dude this is awesome! And just look at these holographic wolves!" Rigby pulled out his shirt to show Mordecai, "This place is way cooler than the stupid park."

"Haha! That's m'boy! Now that you mention it, perhaps I could interest you in a small… agreement?" Death pulled a rolled parchment from midair, "All I'd need is a drop of your blood."

"Sweet! Blood contract!-" Rigby dashed forward, but Mordecai grabbed him by the muzzle. "Leftgo offme!"

"Dude! He's trying to steal your soul."

"Well maybe I don't need my soul!" Rigby threw a volley of punches. "Who made you the soul police?!"

"Shut up dude, you need your soul." Mordecai wrapped his wings around the struggling raccoon, "Look. Last thing I knew, I was mowing at Park, and then Bam! I'm all on fire." His voice broke slightly as he looked down at Rigby, "Nothing about this place is _funny_ or _cool _or _awesome_! I just want to go home and never come back!"

"Alright alright, hey no need to get all worked up." Death jumped over his desk and flicked his chopper into existence. "You haven't taken anything from the gift basket, so technically _you_ can leave."

"Wait what?" Rigby stopped struggling "What was that one part again?"

"You accepted the Gift Basket of Death. You've been compensated. You stay." Death shrugged, "It's printed on the wrapping."

"Mordecai, I changed my mind, I want to go home." Rigby shrank back behind his friend.

"No. That's it." Mordecai dug his feet in the ground and puffed out his chest. Rigby was annoying and pretty dumb, but there wasn't a snowballs chance that he'd leave his buddy behind. "I demand to talk to your manager."

"Fellas, my hands are tied" Death assured, but his smirk was gone.

"I said I want to talk to your manager." Mordecai squinted. The two stood in silence and the howls of thousands of tortured souls rang up from the pit. He hoped Death wouldn't call his bluff, but he also knew that Death was bound by justice. No one could be here who didn't deserve to be here, right? And getting tricked wasn't justice; getting swindled wasn't right. Rigby was coming home with him. "Now."

"Heh, come on guys," Death gulped, "I don't see any reason to get the boss involved." He cleared his throat, then circled them twice before backing off, "Alright alright, look, forget this happened and you're both free to go."

"Can we keep the shirts?" Rigby peeked out around Mordecai's legs.

"Fine, whatever, we've had that Youth Medium for millennia."

"Wooooo! Take that DEATH!" Rigby celebrated even as his ear fell off.

"Fix us, too." Mordecai crossed his wings.

"You guys look fine to me. A good night's sleep, a bit of aspirin-"

"Fix us now, or I'll fill out a comment card."

"Your funeral." Death rolled his eyes and caught the blue jay with a sucker punch to the jaw. Before Rigby could move away, Death spun around and smacked him against the ceiling with a roundhouse kick. When they opened their eyes, they were laying on green grass staring up at a clear sky. An ambulance wailed in the distance.

"Uuuuuungh" Mordecai moaned.

"Ah duude." Rigby looked over himself. His face was throbbing, but completely healed, "Couldn't you have just snapped your fingers?"

"Yeah, but that was more fun." Death cackled and dropped a small box in Mordecai's lap, "Oh, and you're gonna need that. Did what I could, but that shit's for life." With a boom and flash, Death was gone.

"OOOOOOOOOH! Dude. That _sucks_." Rigby covered his face to keep from laughing.

"Just shut up."

**In the next story, Rigby learns the virtue of sharing.**


	4. This Story Contains an Important Lesson

This Story Contains an Important Life Lesson

"He ain't gonna do it! See, I told you he was a pussy!"

"Shut up Tucker I'm not a pussy!" A little blue jay yelled from atop the old warehouse roof. "Rigby's gonna bring me my wings, you'll see!"

"You already got wings, dipshit!" Tucker yelled back and the other kids squealed with laughter. He was a stocky young olive-skinned human with a bright yellow shirt and rough black hair; one of the popular kids. Any other Saturday he'd be out riding his brand new MudStomper ten-speed - parents were rich enough as any folks should be, and he was never slow to flaunt it - but this was something he wouldn't miss for the world.

"He's bringing my **better **wings!" Mordecai called down. "They're super high-tech!"

"You mean the ones with glitter and macaroni? Your gonna be paste if you jump offa there dumbass!"

Mordecai knew he was wrong. He was gonna fly, just like a bird should. He'd read all the plane and aviation magazines in the school library. Even the biology books for good measure. All he needed was bigger wings, that's all; the planes in those books had huge long wings, not these short, skinny things he was born with. But science would come through. "Shut up Tucker! They look cool and they don't have any macaroni!"

"Probly 'cause his parents can't afford it!" Another kid yelled.

He asked his parents once why they couldn't fly, but his dad just chuckled. "That's all just a bunch of legends from a long time ago" he said, "The only blue jays that ever flew had FAA training and pretty stewardesses." Well Mordecai didn't have time for all that.

"Please just come down, Mordecai! You're gonna get hurt!" A girl with an orange sundress yelled up. "You can't fly! No one can fly!"

"I won't get hurt Macy!" He yelled back down. Truth be told, she was half the reason he was up here at all. Of course he _did_ want to soar through the clouds, but when he landed he wanted to land next to her - show her how he was cooler than those stupid humans and their stupid bikes he'd never afford. Tell her how he thought her dress was pretty and how she shouldn't hang out with stupid Tucker. Maybe he could teach her to fly too. Then they could fly away to somewhere happier, like a jungle with a huge waterfall or something. Rigby could go too.

"Whatever dude!" Someone yelled

"Yeah let's get outta here." Another kid started towards his bike

"C'mon Macy, let's go feed the pigeons at the park. At least they _do _something." Tucker jeered, hopping on his bike

"Rigby!" Mordecai yelled, pointing down to the gravel lot below "See! I told you he'd make it!"

"Well I'll be damned! I guess dumbass came afterall!" Tucker yelled back

"Sorry! I forgot the tape!" Rigby yelped "Fuck you Tucker, you smell like shit and your parents adopted you 'cause your dad's dick don't work."

Mordecai grinned as wide as he could while Rigby scurried up the scaffolding, holding the cardboard things in his looked even cooler from up here.

Rigby never seemed all that bothered by those bullies, and he sure knew how to cuss at 'em. There weren't that many raccoons left in the world, though Mordecai never really understood what happened to them all. Rigby's parents just said they all used to live in a huge city out east, then something really bad happened and now there's only a few left. He was glad he knew one of them.

"- to the pound you fucking fleabag!" Tucker was busy yelling all sorts of obscenities below. Poor thing, Mordecai thought, so small down there. Like an ant.

"Hey dude! I snuck into my dad's garage and got some real good tape!" Rigby panted "It's duck tape. You think they actually make it outta ducks?"

"Probably, else they couldn't call it that." Mordecai fist-bumped with his friend, "But that's okay, my Mom says there's too many ducks and all they do is make a mess."

That made sense to Rigby, though he still felt bad for them. Maybe they're like cows. Cows make hamburgers, ducks make tape, and that's the way things are. All he knew is he couldn't wait to see his friend bobbing and weaving in the air. The first flight would be just Mordecai, but he promised he'd take Rigby up with him when he was stronger.

"You ready to do this?"

Mordecai took a deep breath - his face was serious now, set in stone with the conviction of a thing determined to be what it was. "I'm ready."

The next few minutes went like clockwork since they'd already practiced it all before on the ground. Mordecai even tried to take off, but he couldn't get up enough speed. This would work though, he'd be in the air this time. His new wings were red with yellow lightning bolts, masterfully crafted from the finest dual-layered cardboard and reinforced with two halves of an old broomstick. He held his arms out as Rigby went to work taping them in place.

"Careful dude, you're gonna cover the lightning bolts!"

"That should do." Rigby stood back "Giv'em a flap."

"They're great dude!" They felt natural, Mordecai thought. Like an extension of himself, maybe a bit stiff, but they'll do the trick. They'd hafta, 'cause he made them extra big, and that's how science worked.

Rigby peaked over the edge; sure did look like a long fall.

"You sure you wanna do this?"

"I gotta, dude." Mordecai peered into the sky, then looked back "But if you're scared, you don't gotta watch."

"No way dude!" Rigby puffed out his chest "I ain't scared of nothin'. You got this, bro."

Mordecai nodded with determination in his eyes, then hoisted himself up over a high point at the edge. Down below, Macy was still yelling for him to stop and come down, but the other kids were mostly quiet. Some of them were whispering, wondering whether he could actually pull it off; others that they should get outta here so they wouldn't get in trouble. None of that mattered though. He took a deep breath so he'd remember real good what the air was like near the ground versus up in the clouds. His heart was racing. This was it. The next step was air.

He flapped as hard as he could, pushing and straining against gravity, willing himself upward into the sky. From deep within, a primal instinct took over, a rhythmic beat of muscles that hadn't seen use for countless millenia, yearning to soar once again. He was doing it! He was actually doing it! Screw those boring, land-locked losers and their shiny new red Mudstompers and their stupid silver axle pegs that he never got to ride on. None of that mattered, he found something better, something so much better. This was it, he could finally fly away.

And then his legs broke.

**Oh Hay, if you're one of the six cool people who are watching Daydreams, there'll be a new chapter up soon. Summer is a very, very busy time of year for me.**


	5. A Great Deal for Savvy Buyers

SellYoShit Park City All for sale/wanted Misc. by Owner

For sale: SUper awsum tv with like 50 speakers and huge subwuffers. Tons of buttons to push and lots of reely kool lights. Its made out of metal not that cheap plastic crap so its undestructible. Reely you cant destroy it. May open a door to hell. Allmost 90 inches so thats kool. Plays ne games you got and comes with every thing you need to GET THE PARTY STARTED! Will trade for small lame tv cuz Im so stupid and all I do is hang out with my girl friend who is also reely stupid.

Call or txt Mordacai at 113-For-Six-Three-6655

-Location: City Park

**Ernest Hemingway (maybe) once wrote a sad story about baby shoes. They were for sale and never worn. **


	6. Drugs are Fun & Productive for Everyone

Drug Abuse Is Fun and Productive for Everyone

"Oooooowwww!" Rigby rubbed his arm, scowling at the bird's cocky grin. "Why?!"

"Hm. Hm. It's my turn."

"But it's _always_ your turn."

"Well duh," Mordecai lit the bowl. He tried to finish the thought, but through his coughing all he could manage was "-ter than you."

"Whatever dude." Rigby pouted and turned away in a huff.

"Oh come on Rigby, don't be like that."

He crossed his arms defiantly, "Be like what? I'm not being like anything. You're the one who's being like something!"

Mordecai sighed, packing the bowl again before passing it down. "Alright dude, don't be a baby about it."

"You're the baby!" Rigby yelled as he snatched the bowl away. "Hm." He added before taking a hit.

"You done?" Mordecai smirked "Cause I barely got anything, so you _basically_ got firsties." Rigby coughed just once and took another short draw. He never seemed too bothered by the smoke. Probably 'cause Rigby had been at it so much longer, it _was _that raccoon that got him hooked back in freshman year. Or maybe Rigby was just cooler than him. Either way, Mordecai still felt a bit guilty every time they did this - he was always one of the good kids.

"Whoa."

"Dude I know!" Mordecai grabbed the bag and inhaled "Fives said it was medical or something. From Colorado."

The raccoon staggered as he passed off the bowl back. "Better be for _sixty bucks_." He squeaked through another exhale. "You know he's ripping you off, right?"

"Nah dude, quality over quantity."

"That what Fives told ya?"

"Hey, only the best for this guy." Mordecai pointed both thumbs back to himself, then flopped down on his bed. Smoke billowed from his beak as he stared up at the small glow-in-the-dark planets and stars that dotted the ceiling. They were a stupid prize he won in a claw game last year, and they would've just sat in a drawer for the next decade or so if Drunk Margaret hadn't thought they were _"so adorable."_ Still, they were kinda cool. He still remembered his fourth grade essay on how he wanted to be an astronaut - back before he figured out it was all math and exercise. C+, watch the margins and punctuation. Whatever, he just wanted to fly; fly up through the clouds and sail between the stars. "_Fucking_ Fives. You really thing he's _fucking _me with this _shit_?"

Mordecai always started cussing when he smoked, and it always sounded weird. Some people just can't cuss, Rigby figured. Or, at least, they shouldn't. But whatever, what mattered was his bro finally got some time to hang out. Anything was better than another puzzle with Pops. He threw a crumpled wad of bills in the bird's lap "Nah dude, he's fuckin' both us."

"Heh." Mordecai stifled a laugh.

"Heh Heh." His friend replied, and they both burst out in laughter.

"Hahahaaaaa, duuuude. That was so_ gay_." The bird coughed out before breaking into another hacking fit.

But Rigby stopped laughing - sometimes Mordecai bugged him... not to mention he sounded like a dying old man. Maybe he'd take the extra cash he'd been saving up and get them a vaporizer. Then Mordecai wouldn't have as many excuses to not hang out. "Hey! Puff puff pass!" he shoved.

"I'm sorry dude. I should quit hitting you. I'm so mean." Mordecai slurred, scopping up his friend in an awkward hug, "I'm li- I'm like one of those schoolyard bullies, and you're" He wagged his inebriated wing in the air "You're just the poor_ fat _kid getting bullied! And n- and now you're gonna go home and kill yourself with pills from your parent's medicine cabinet 'cause I'm so mean." His feathers matted as he started to cry, "I'm so sorry dude, _please_ don't eat all those pills, I'll _never_ punch you again!" Mordecai's face contorted into a mix of sadness and stupid as he took another swig of vodka over Rigby's shoulder. "Just choose life, Rigby. You can lose the weight, just choose life." he whispered, shaking the raccoon for added drama.

"Whoooooa" Rigby snickered "You're sloppy, dude." But he pinched at his belly anyways - had he really gained _that_ much weight? Sure, he'd been hitting the Cheezers a bit more often these days, but F that noise - he works hard dammit. Especially since this whole room-to-himself thing started."

"Fuck you! You're the - " Mordecai slurred again, swaying back and forth as he tried to point down at the raccoon. "You're the sloppy one, you sloppy... guy!" As quickly as it turned, Mordecai's mood swung back to more apologies. "Just promise me, bro! Promise me you won't do that and I'll never ever ever _ever _bully you again!"

"Okay okay, I promise" Rigby tried to push away as Mordecai pulled him closer; he smelled like liquor, weed and despair.

"What do you promise? What do you promise?!"

Annoyed, Rigby threw his head back and grumbled a monotonous reply, "I, Rigby, promise not to overdose on pills from my mom's medicine cabinet because you punch me for being too awesome."

"Really? You mean it?"

"Yeah bro, I mean it."

"Wait..." Mordecai tried to grab the wall to steady himself, but fell back on the bed. "So that makes me, like, a hero! I sav- I saved your life!" He had a cheesy, drunken grin "That means you have to do whatever I say now, since you're in my debt."

"Sure dude, whatever you say." Rigby rolled his eyes again. Booze or weed - it one or the other for Mordecai, but never both. Same went for every bird he'd ever met, they could get drunk or they could get high, but mix the two and all they got was weird. But damn this stuff hit hard and soon he was back again at the foot of the bed_._ He was perfectly content to just lay there for a short eternity as the room spun and Mordecai mumbled incomprehensible babblings to himself, laughing at his own jokes that only he could hear. At least until his stomach growled.

"Duuuuuuude."

"Dude."

"Wings!" They both shouted in unison.

"I'll get my _fuckin' _phone." Mordecai slurred, reaching over the nightstand

"Woo! You _get_ that phone!" Rigby shouted.

"Wait, what's the number?"

"I don't know the number... I thought you knew the number."

"No way dude, you ordered last time."

"I don't even have a _phone_. Did _you _check _your_ phone?"

"_No_, I _never_ would have thought tocheck my phone" Mordecai shot back sarcastically "Oh wait. Here it is."

"Hm. Hm."

"Oh shut up. At least I graduated kindergarten."

"I did too!" Rigby threw a barrage of quick jabs in the air, but Mordecai pinned him back with his foot and dialed.

"Uh yeah, delivery. _Heh_, 450 Park Boulevard... Yeah, it's the big house near the north entrance of the park. _Heh heh_" He covered the phone, "Dude come on, quit looking at me, you're making me laugh."

"It's a free country, I'll look at whatever I want!" Rigby crossed his arms and stared.

"Knock it off, dude!" Mordecai kicked as he picked up the phone again. "What was that?... Oh, uh, 113-463-5566... Yeah, we just wanted two Hangar - _heheheheh_ - Hangar 3's with barbeque _heh_."

"And fries!"

"And fries." Mordecai added over the phone and looked back down. "How many?"

Rigby's eyes widened, "All of them."

"_Hahahaha_ - a large... yeah _hahaha_ - cool _haha_ thanks" Mordecai hung up the phone snickering. "Dude, you suck!"

"The only thing that sucks is these_ delicious _wings aren't here yet!"

"You know it!"

"OOOOOOOOOH! Wings and fries for these cool guys!" They chanted, then burst into another fit of laughter. Rigby laid back in his old spot as his friend stumbled across the room to a pile of clothes. Shirts and boxers exploded in the air.

"Hey... isn't it, I dunno, kinda weird that you eat chicken?" Rigby asked.

"What? it's just chicken."

"But your aunt is a chicken."

Mordecai paused for a moment, then started digging through another pile, "Well, yeah, but that's completely different." He shook his head "Wings are, you know, _chicken_ chickens."

"Oh, that makes sense." It didn't. "Whatcha doing?"

"I can't find a pick. I'm gonna seran- seranade Margaret tomorrow at Makeout Point."

Ugh, Margaret. Of course. Every damn thing he does these days is about Margaret. _Margaret_ wants to go to the movies. _Margaret _needs help redecorating. _Margaret's_ being chased by a rock monster. Well, okay, that last part was kind of his fault - but if Mordecai would have just ridden the rollercoaster with his buddy instead of some floozy robin, it never would have happened. So really, it was all _Margaret_'s fault anyways. "What, gonna play the _one_ song you know?"

"Psst, it's the-" Mordecai almost fell forwards, but caught himself mid-stumble. "-it's the only song I need."

"But she doesn't even have brown eyes."

"Hey Rigby. Shut up."

"No you shut up!" Rigby screamed "You can't even go one night without bringing up _Margaret_!"

Mordecai blinked, still plenty blitzed and definitely in no mood for this crap. Was this really how Rigby wanted to spend their bro-out? Another bitchfest because he couldn't get it through his head that sometimes people grow up. "Dude, don't start this."

"I'm not starting anything! She's the one that started it _by being born!_"

"Hey, -"

"Hay's for horses!" Rigby pointed. Memories of those douchebag unicorns came back and he shuddered.

"Duuude, what's your _problem_ with Margaret?" Mordecai slurred angrily.

"Oh, nothing really, she's just stupid friend-stealer is all!" His friend pouted.

"She's not stupid! I dunno know what _this _is, but you're starting to piss me off Rigby." Mordecai yelled, "I'll leave."

"Why, so you can go hang out with Margaret?! It's always Margaret this and Margaret that! Oh we had tickets to Zombie Slaughterhell 9000 in 3D? Well _Margaret_ wants to buy stupid smelly candles. What? Benson told us to clean the gutters? But_ Margaret's _car is in the shop, so you'll just take the cart and leave me to do all the work. And now -" Rigby's voice cracked slightly.

"Dude -" It took all his willpower to manage a few moments of sobriety. Whatever this was, Mordecai knew it was a long time coming.

"- No! And now you're gonna move in with her and I'll just be here. I won't have a bro anymore, and if we do hang out I'm just gonna be the third wheel in Mordecai and Margaret's perfect life. Until we just quit hanging out." He looked away, "then I'll be alone."

Was that really what he thought? Of course Rigby wouldn't be alone. Nothing was going to change, they'd still be bros. Just like old times... Mordecai shook his head. He knew that wasn't true. This was the first night they'd hung out in two weeks. Rigby didn't have many other friends, and the thought of him sitting alone all day made the bird feel like total shit.

"Whaaaaat? Dude we hang out all the time. It's just been a busy few weeks, that's all."

"That's how it starts." Rigby felt defeated, "I'm not as stupid as you think I am."

"I don't think you're stupid, bro. Alright look, I'm not gonna leave you alone. Give me some time, I'll talk to Margaret and figure..." He dropped his wings, "I dunno. I'll figure something out. Stay here half the week and stay there the other half or something."

Rigby's scowl broke and he dropped his defenses. He didn't know what he'd hoped to accomplish through this little tantrum, but now he felt shitty too. It's not that he wasn't happy for his bro. Or maybe he really wasn't, he didn't know. Why couldn't things just be easy like they used to be? "I was being a dick, huh?"

"Yeah, you kinda were. But thats okay, you're_ my _dick."

They both giggled as Mordecai jumped back on the bed. Maybe the that was a cop-out... Mordecai just didn't know what else to say. Rigby was his best bro and he deserved to have this kind of serious conversation when they were both sober. And he promised himself that he _would_ spend a few nights a week at the Park, even if they both knew it wouldn't last forever. But for now, he was just happy to be back.

"Wow, hey, I'm not _that_ short" Rigby snickered as he packed the bowl again, only to receive a firm punch across his jaw. "OOOOOOWW! But you promised!"

"Hm. Hm. You're high dude, it's _my_ turn." Mordecai smirkerd, snatching the bowl away.

**Each chapter is a short story. Some chapters may have a conventional plot, some may not. Some may be 5000+ words, some may be less than 100. Instead of forming a long novella, each one is its own thing. Recurring themes may pop up between chapters and they do all occur within the same loose plot progression (though not necessarily in chronological order). **

**May contain adult situations, profanity, drug use, mild violence, and soy products. Nothing smutty, because come on, it's a kid's show.**

**Finally, hey, here's the thing: I'm not gonna pander for reviews after this chapter and the A/N will be very short from here on out, but if you're enjoying any of this and you wanna let me know, well that'd really make my day. If you have any helpful advice or requests, all of that is certainly appreciated. If you have any character you feel is left out, lemme know. But if you just wanna read, no worries, that's fine too.**


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